2011: good riddance

i, as i'm sure you do too, get a lot of family christmas letters.  most of them are fun to receive because my friends summarize the notable events of their year, good and bad, and i like to see what they are up to.  however, some of the letters i get come from mrs. perfect mcwonderful and her husband, zeus, and their family of poop-free angels.  these letters are also fun to get because it's nice to see that some people wake up to rainbows every morning and their house is made of calorie-free chocolate and their children never throw their expensive phone into the toilet.  you know, so i know what i am aspiring to. 

i don't send out christmas cards (because i'm cheap and don't have adorable children to take pictures of and really, who wants a christmas card with a picture of just me?  talk about creepy.)  but to my four faithful readers, i am giving you my first ever family christmas letter with love from me, complete with a run-down of my year.

january:  rained a lot.  did some kissing.  learned about the mandelbrot set.

february: went to morocco, threw up.  got a mushy valentine.

march: went to paris.  bought a new bag.  4th graders dramatized the events surrounding the american revolution.

april: ran a half marathon.  hosted a women's day party.  rode in a go-cart.

may: mentally checked out of school.  became first teetotaler to play in and win a beer pong tournament.

june: took deba and dad on 2 rainy death marches.  starred in a music video. (pending)  won a bocce tournament.

july: slept on the streets of milan. got a roommate.

august: spent 3 eternal days in tuscany with 16 obnoxious adolescents, wanted to kill self afterwards.  moved back to usa.

september: got a temp job. b moved in. learned how to play bunco.

october: quit job.  kicked b out.  ate pizza, french fries, and ice cream in one meal.

november: painted a dresser.  found out ricky martin is gay.

december: put up christmas tree. bought some pants. 

bring on 2012!

(insert family photo with charming smiles and perfectly coordinated outfits.)

merry christmas.

i love jesus.

so, so much.

i was on the news!!!

and it wasn't for being arrested, thank you very much.

it was because i donated blood.  i tried to find the video to show you, but all i could find was this article.

that's right.  they quoted me.  well, actually they misquoted me because when the reporter asked me why i came out to donate i told her it's because i was hoping to see damon yauney.

just kidding.  i was so nauseous and light-headed and loopy with that giant needle in my arm, that maybe i did actually say the words they said i did, though i am very suspicious of my alleged use of the word "monetarily".  either way, i got an enormous t-shirt that, coupled with a napoleon dynamite keychain, made a great white elephant gift.  i also got all the pretzel sticks i could eat.  and i helped someone, but not monetarily.

cake came to visit me.

matty and i went to see cake at saltair.



the security guys took matty's chapstick, which was good sleuthing on their part because i'm pretty sure that's where matty hides his bombs.  and his shiv.

i was so excited i couldn't stop jumping up and down.

i educated the uninitiated about cake's practice of giving away a tree at every concert.

i also offended a group of dorks in suits when i informed them that a cake show was always better than a barenaked ladies show.

then we came home and got mexican fast food at 1 am.

it was awesome.

possibly my most shallow post ever.

the friends aren't the only ones with this list.  here's mine:

mark ruffalo.

the most perfect face i've ever seen.  

and he is always such an "aw shucks" 

kind of nice guy in his movies.  

i like nice guys.

gary sinise.

"you ain't got no legs, lieutenant dan!"  

but i loved him first in of mice and men.  

he took such good care of lennie.

john travolta.

the first time i ever saw grease was the first time
he entered my field of consciousness.
ours is a love that has endured the test of time.

because i love him just as much today
as i did twenty years ago.

anthony lapaglia.

he was a great sidekick for charlie in
so i married an axe murderer, 

but like cheese and wine,
he only gets better with age.

lenny kravitz.

i am a sucker for that hair.

    

bradley cooper.

look at those eyes.

orlando bloom.

i am sure his legolas was just as pretty 

as j.r.r tolkien always intended.

owen wilson.

because nothing is more attractive than funny.

alan rickman.

if his voice took a physical form, 

i think it would be warm, gooey caramel.

which is why he makes a great severus snape.  

greasy goth never sounded so good.

john krasinski.

jim halpert is the perfect guy.

john krasinski is pretty darn nice, too.

and i know this from personal experience.

robin hood.

robbing the rich to help the poor? 

he's so brave. 

what a fox.

joe mantegna.

i first knew him as fat tony from the simpsons.  

what a pleasant surprise to see that the 

face was as nice as the voice.

                                                                                                         

                                                                                     

     shemar moore.

                                                                                       

     brown, bald, and beautiful.

mandy patinkin.

his name is inigo montoya.  you killed his father.  prepare to die.  

but, just like wine, cheese, and anthony lapaglia,

 time has been good to mandy patinkin.

ok, now it's your turn.  who's on your list?

one day i checked my blogger stats just for fun.

and it said that a google search for the following phrase led someone to my blog:

gothic chick porn

i assure you, those three words have never appeared together on my blog.

i'll bet that was one disappointed pervert.

i think i'm on team edward now.**

the other day i went to the movie with my friends, miss owl and kirsten.  we wanted to see the help, but it was sold out.  so we debated over abduction ("it's about someone who is abducted and they try to get them back," is what i told miss owl when she asked what it was about.) and contagion ("it's about a disease that a lot of people catch in a short amount of time.")

i wanted to see contagion because abduction has team jacob in it and i wanted no part of that, but i was outvoted.  we approached the counter guy and i asked for three tickets to team jacob.  (of course, he knew exactly what i meant.)  and i was embarrassed that i have such a big mouth and all the people in line heard me and probably thought i was ON team jacob.  yuck.  counter guy knew i was solid though, he could tell by my pink floyd t-shirt (he told me so.)

miss owl and i giggled all through the previews.  (the debt:  "it's about someone who owes something to someone else."  in time: "it's about some people that are rushing around to accomplish an important task within an allotted amount of time."  drive:  "it's about a man that drives a car very fast." the thing:  we pretty much just rolled around laughing at this point.)

the movie itself was stupid.  i mean, the premise was ok, i guess.  but some things were pretty dumb.  like team jacob's psychiatrist talking about his terrible insomnia and then two sentences later, team jacob tells her that he had "the dream" again.  i also didn't like watching giant teenagers kiss onscreen.  adults kissing onscreen makes me uncomfortable enough (i look away a lot because i don't want to look like a pervert staring at them, but i also take mental notes hoping to improve my technique.) i didn't like the movie because it turns out that team jacob is not a good actor.  unless you count glaring all the time as good acting.  also, we were in the front row and i could count every hair follicle on his werewolf face, which grossed me out.

but the point is this:  i am usually quite fond of males with brown skin (because i am so pasty myself), but i did not find team jacob attractive!  i couldn't believe it.  it's a first for me.  actually, i'm realizing now maybe i didn't find him attractive because i don't usually go for guys who are younger than my drivers license.  but isn't this the same guy that grown women screamed over when his shirt fell off in the vampire movies?  i don't get it.  i'll stick with brown guys, but give me shemar moore any day.

**i will never be on team edward, even if he was the last glittering vampire in the whole world.  i am a lifelong member of team good literature.

i have found my dream job:

factory worker.

i am not even kidding about this.  when i was going through my "what do i want to do with my life?" crisis earlier this year, i told people who asked about my future plans that i wanted to be one of the toll booth operators on the way to milan.  all i had to do was sit in my booth and be able to count out one euro ninety.  i wouldn't have to be friendly, i wouldn't have to plan lessons, i could sit on my chair and listen to my podcasts and if i was feeling charitable, i could give a friendly "buongiorno!" to the commuters.  it seemed great!

but THEN, i helped out at the welfare bakery a few weeks ago and it totally beat out the toll booth.  i wore a hairnet, gloves and an apron.  one team member (i felt we worked more efficiently when i called them team members)  slid loaves of bread down a chute and using a foot pedal, i would send it through the slicer.  i would catch it and shove it into an open bag.  the next team member would twist it and send it through the twist tie machine and load it on the conveyor belt.  yes!  a conveyor belt!  it's a real factory!  it was so great!  because it was completely mindless we were able to chat pleasantly about nothing the whole time.  although there was a bit of drama when two team members argued over the best way to sweep up the rogue bread crumbs.  yes, arguing over sweeping.  i just kept sweeping because i was having the time of my life.

and do you know what the best part is?  at the end of our shift, they gave us a free bag of bread.  whole wheat!    and then, the next week, at the dairy, i got a bottle of chocolate milk and a pound of cheese!  who needs a job!?!?!  i help out for a few hours a week and get cheese and bread!  and i don't even really like chocolate milk, but i mopped for 2 hours to earn that chocolate milk and it was the best thing i've ever had.  i might never work again and live off my cheese and bread prizes.  now, THAT'S the life.

today i received my first paycheck for substitute teaching.

it was for $34.16

my mortgage payment is at least twice that amount.

so, i guess it's time to stop hanging up on the subfinder computer.

does "book club" make me sound old or smart?

i joined a book club.  i like reading books.  i like talking about books.  i like eating delicious food while talking about books.

but i do not like sitting with a bunch of strangers while they discuss whether their husbands prefer dress shirts with button down collars or regular collars.

just in case you needed a visual, like i did,
because i had no idea what they were talking about.

i also do not like listening to a debate over the merits of having your sick child throw up in an old ice cream bucket or a plastic wal-mart bag.

and i REALLY do not like watching someone drop a piece of chocolate custard pie on my freshly cleaned carpets.

we read the help.

i am a bit behind the times so you probably already know that it is an excellent well-written book.  poignant and eye-opening and, at times, hilarious.  we discussed the book for seven minutes and the remainder of the four and a half hours were spent dissecting thought-provoking themes such as the proper size of frosting swirl on a cupcake.

i'm thinking of kicking myself out of book club, at least until i get me some kids.  then maybe i will find winnie the pooh videos the perfect topic for stimulating conversation.

today i will tell you eight things for which i am thankful.

because 8 represents the number of pieces of thanksgiving pie i have eaten in the last 24 hours.

1. key lime pie that i made with my own hands that i thought was out of this world, but no one else seemed to appreciate as much as i thought they should.

2. living on the third floor.  because on days that i'm really lazy, i tell myself that going to get the mail and walking back up the stairs counts as a work out.

3. free internet from the neighbors, whether they like it or not.

4. atticus.  he's having his rear end serviced because someone ran into us.  i miss him so much.  i have a rental, but she is so uptight and snooty.  you know how rentals are.

5.  my new friend,  miss owl.  we had a great time fake laughing during a really stupid play.

6.  my nephew, maddox, who told his mom that i am as funny as his dog.

7. stuff you should know podcasts.  useless trivia and hilarious male hosts.  heaven.

8. mini golf.

guilt is a very effective tool.

i went on some dates recently.  mostly i was guilted into it by a couple of highly influential people who said i wasn't "giving them a chance."  now, though, i will be returning to my previous policy of "listening to my gut."

first, there was frank.  he was a doctor.  also, he was a doctor.  and did i mention that he was a doctor?  (because he wouldn't let me forget) and he came on our date in scrubs.  earlier i had jokingly asked b if it was ok to wear my pjs on a date.  he was disgusted with me.  but really, frank and i would have matched perfectly.  we met downtown (he was 30 minutes late.) and he asked me where i would like to eat (really?)  i told him i liked foreign food so he pointed out a thai place, a mexican place, and the california pizza kitchen.  i said thai sounded good.  so we went to the california pizza kitchen.  it was delicious.  and our waitress was so great.  i really wanted her to stick around and hang out with us, but she wouldn't.  so instead, frank had to use up all his creepy stares on me.  i swear he was trying to figure out the best way to dispose of my body.  it was beyond creepy.  and he didn't talk.  i was charming and friendly (had to earn my dinner, after all) and he just stared.  sometimes he would forget to answer my questions (because he was concentrating on not stabbing me with his scalpel, i'm sure)  when he did remember, they were one word answers.  he was exactly as he had seemed online and after our 45 minute dinner, i never heard from him again.

then there was michael.  we chatted for a bit and he asked me out for greek food.  i can't say no to greek food.  so i didn't.  unlike frank, michael dressed up for our date.  he wore a minnesota vikings jersey.  the conversation was actually pretty good, except for that every other word was *&%$#@.  and he talked a lot about how education was overrated (not the best thing to say to a teacher).  but overall it was fine, not great, but also not frank.  and i was charming and friendly again (except i drank way too much water and had to pee a lot.)  i never heard from him again either.

i'm pretty sure these dates were fairly typical online experiences.  it made me realize how lucky i've been up until that point.  the first guy i met online is now a good friend (after having dated and realized that we would be better friends) and the second guy, well, it turns out that there is such a thing as a "perfect match" but unfortunately, imperfect timing sometimes gets in the way.  but anyway, i have three months left on my membership and i intend to take full advantage.  after all, there's a nice middle eastern restaurant downtown that i want to try out.

I AM SO EXCITED FOR THE BREAKING DAWN PREMIERE TONIGHT!!!!

just kidding.

i am officially boring.

because today i got my carpets cleaned and i am still on an adrenaline high.  yes, high.  from CARPET CLEANING!!!

there were dark ugly patches all over the place thanks to my "renters" (b and matty).  and today two knights in shining armor (khaki and polo shirts) came with their hoses (don't be gross) and lickety split erased those dark ugly patches AND a few extras that i inherited when i bought this place.  i was so giddy that i may or may not have flirted with the cleaning guys.  and called them my heroes.  and gave them a tip that was so generous i now regret it.

but my carpets are so pretty now that i want to go do snow angels on them.  except they're still wet.  so i'm kind of stranded on the couch.  i guess i could walk across the wet carpet in my bare feet, but then i'd have no excuse not to go to the gym.  so i think i will stay on my couch until the carpets are dry.  i hope i don't starve in the meantime.

picture taken with my webcam

because i am stranded on my couch and couldn't get my camera and

getting my camera just to take a picture of my carpet sounds really lame...even for me.

dirty dash done dirt cheap. (actually it cost $50, but it was for a good cause.)

i did the dirty dash.  it's a 10k obstacle course run through mud. and it was the funnest run i've ever done.  (but that's because i don't actually enjoy running.)  it was pretty great slopping around in the mud and kicking it up on people while we waited at the start line.  and they couldn't get mad because that kind of behavior was encouraged.  at last minute, deba decided to run with me, which was nice, because then i had someone to push down in the mud holes.  there were tubes to crawl through and walls to climb over (or military crawl under) and hay stacks to hurdle, and a lake to wade through.  at the end there was a very long slide that ended on hard packed ground, which i landed on face first.  it was awesome.  

you should do it.  and let me know if you do, because i'm always looking for people to push in the mud.

employment is highly overrated.

so, i got a job.  and the money was good: i made $350 a week. but it seriously infringed on my free time and it was really tough having to get dressed every day, so i quit.  just kidding.  i quit because i hated it.  now before you think i am a slacker, you should know that it was only a temp job and they wanted me to stay on full time but there was no way i could be a teacher's aide for an entire school year.  especially because i was doing the job of a teacher and being paid as a teacher's aide.  whatever.

but anyway, i fully intend to not work again until my summer vacation is over (january) and then i will get serious about this job hunting stuff.  (if truth be told, i have applied for millions of jobs and heard practically nothing.  and there is panic looming in the back of my mind, but i shove it back by thinking about how lovely unemployment is....which it is.)

in the meantime i signed up to be a substitute teacher.  every morning the subfinder computer calls me to offer me a sub job for the day and every morning i hang up on the subfinder computer.  so, you know, that's going pretty well.  

what courtney won.

50 centimos for her imaginary upcoming trip to peru!

a brand new postcard showing how lucerne looked 30 years ago!

a handy magnetic grocery list, only half-used!

a ball of something wrapped in tulle! 

maybe it goes in the bath.  

maybe it's a grenade.  

let us know when you find out, courtney.

an old navy lanyard for all those times when you want to pose as a sales associate!

i wasn't kidding about the disneyland keychain with my name on it.

for that fabulous 4th grader in your life.

one dozen of the world's best homemade chocolate chip cookies.

(i'm the only one who has eaten them, 

so they are definitely the best in my world.)

(only ten pictured because i ate two, but i replaced them with prettier ones, don't worry.)

i'm kind of a big deal.

look at this picture:

that photographer must be amazing, right?  just kidding, i took that picture. 

 now read these words:

quiet contemplation it was at the temple of edfu in egypt in early june 2009 and the temperatures were already well over 100 degrees.  despite the temperatures, the ancient site was crawling with tourists, chattering loudly and snapping photos.  on my way out,  i caught sight of this man, in his traditional gellabiya and ammama.  he was tiny in comparison to the giant columns and he sat in his corner oasis silently watching the people, who didn’t see him. i wondered what he was thinking:  did he marvel at their strange way of dress, like we did at his? was he full of pride that all these people traveled so far to explore the treasures of his homeland?  or was he full of resentment that they represented wealth that he would likely never know?  was he in awe of the magnitude of the sacred temple like the visitors?  or was it commonplace to him, a backdrop that he no longer really saw?  as i stood wondering all this, two other similarly dressed men appeared from behind the columns and greeted their friend with handshakes and smiles and the quiet serenity of the moment was broken.

 yep, you guessed it.  i wrote them.  pretty cheesy, huh?  it turns out though, that the people at the library LOVE cheese because those words and that picture WON

FIRST PLACE!!! (in the adult category)

i am an award-winning photographer!  an award!  won by someone who sometimes doesn't take her camera on trips because it's too much of a hassle!!!  won by someone who spent two weeks in beautiful italy and took a grand total of 17 pictures!!!!  award-winning photographer!

my prize is that my photo will be on a bookmark that the library will distribute by the hundreds to all their patrons who will grab one because they need something to write on really quick.  and that, my friend, is way better than a cash prize. (of course, it's not, but i don't want myself to feel bad.)  AND my photo (and possibly my words) will be part of a traveling exhibit.  my photo will travel to literally SEVERAL county library branches.   i think i will tell people that i have my own exhibit.  i wonder if my name will appear.  that would be so great.  i'm going to take a whole bunch of bookmarks and pass them out to people i know so that they'll be aware that they now know someone famous.  maybe i'll send one to you in my next surprise giveaway.  if you see me on the street, don't be intimidated.  come up to me and say hi.  it's nice to meet the fans.  and bring your bookmark, i'll sign it for you. 

so you think you want to date online

• maybe when you're a man over 60, mentioning to me in your first email that you are looking for a woman of child bearing age isn't the best idea.
• you are 40. surely you can find a picture more recent than your senior portrait.
• my dad is 52. if you are closer to his age than mine, i'm sure he'd love to hang out with you.
• asking for pictures of me in a bikini (or less) the first time we chat is a big no-no. at least wait until our second chat. (i jest. don't ever ask, pervert.)
• this isn't hornypeople.com. so please never use the phrase "give it to you like a porn star" in your correspondence.
• hey, 21-year-old college junior, telling me that you're looking for a cougar isn't a good pick up line.
• another pick up line that you should avoid is:  "so what kind of baggage do you bring to the table?"
• if you're going to ask me on a date, plan to pay for it...or at least for your half.
• i am 5'7".  if you only come up to my eyes, you are not 5'10".
• i know you're a doctor.  i remembered from the first 63 times you mentioned it.  
• "lol" and "jk" are not only stupid, they don't make your disrespectful comments any less rude.
• your = pronoun indicating possession by you or yourself. you're = you are.

don't worry though, at least my mom's on your side. she says i should give you a chance even though you have difficulty stringing words together into a coherent sentence.  she says that maybe, although every email i get from you is boring and you have never once made a joke or anything resembling a joke, you might be funny in real life.  she says that maybe you chose the picture that makes you look like a mouth breather (you know, the one with your mouth hanging open) because it honestly didn't occur to you to consider that people would actually be looking at this picture.  good thing i've learned not to listen to deba.

i can do hard things!!!

one of my daydreams is being a concert violinist (where i wear a long black dress. also, in this daydream, i'm thin. well, actually, in all my daydreams i'm thin.) and i play some very intricate piece and jiggle my wrist a lot. a few years ago, i joined my school's orchestra. i mean, i was supposed to just help out but i had ulterior motives. i was going to secretly learn the violin, just by watching the instructor teach the students. however, thanks to two incredibly generous families, i obtained my very own beautiful violin and free violin lessons. i took one year of lessons before my teacher had to stop and though i never intended to, i stopped playing. boo.

fast forward to this summer.

todd, the musical director of the summer programs, knew that i had, at one time, "played" the violin. so he asked me to play with a group to accompany the boys choir. todd failed to mention (because he knew i'd say no if i knew) that i was the only violin in the group and there were only 3 other musicians. that was pretty daunting for someone who took a year of lessons and had never performed publicly before. he asked me on tuesday, the performance was friday and i hadn't picked up a violin in over 2 years. it was terrifying, but todd is dangerously convincing and my daydreams are alive and well. so, while imagining myself in that black dress and smiling demurely at all that applause, i said yes. this was my chance. i even had a black dress, but a year of boarding school cafeteria food ensured that "thin" would not be part of my reality.

i practiced non-stop for three days, by myself and with todd on the piano. todd is a musical genius and wrote a very simple part for me, which we ended up further simplifying, just for fun. but no matter how simple it was, i couldn't stop the shaking of my bow hand. then there was a surprise dress rehearsal friday morning and we played in front of all 120 middle schoolers AND all the teachers. i was so scared and my hand shook so bad that the bow bounced like a pogo stick, but i survived. that afternoon, we had another dress rehearsal, this time all the counselors were there, too, but i was finally starting to master my shaky hand.

and then, before i knew it, it was time for the performance. i was wearing a purple dress (my black dress was rendered useless when i discovered i couldn't zip it up anymore.) but i was ready for my daydream to come true. i walked out there pretending like i knew what i was doing, pleased in the knowledge that NONE of these parents and most of my co-workers had no idea that i was a total poser. todd fueled my illusion by having me play a note and pretend to tune my violin before we started. (yeah right, as if i knew how to tune a violin and as if he hadn't tuned it for me just a few minutes before.) then i played. and those boys sang their hearts out. because they practically shouted their angelic melody, i had lots of false confidence and i bowed the heck out of that violin and swayed, just like a real violinist. we were stars. i know we were because we got claps AND whistles AND shouts (i'm not sure how much of that was in my head.). i wasn't great and my part was simple, but my grin was so big it hurt my head because my daydream had come (kind of) true and i had conquered a fear. and i had done it without the help of the anti-anxiety drugs that my dealer (andrea, the clarinetist) was pushing on me. my colleagues were lovely and supportive and complimentary and impressed that i was so humble that i had never told anyone that i was a violin star. (luckily, the boys sang loud enough that no one will ever know that it was not modesty, but lack of skill that prevented me from ever claiming the violin as one of my talents.)

i realize this picture proves nothing
 other than that somebody takes very blurry pictures.

the next night, todd hosted a wine and cheese party to honor all the people involved in the arts program. there, he toasted us and gave me my own special shout out for being brave and said how proud he was to see the beginning of my career as a concert violinist (todd is obviously quite dramatic.) and people cheered and said "yea, sweetpagene!" and it was so exciting to have my own toast and it wasn't even my wedding.

but the point is: you can get away with a lot if you pretend you know what you're doing (just look at most politicians).

also, the point is: i can do hard things!!!

also, the point is: i have got to lose some weight so i can fit back into that black dress.

fact: i am not a dog person.

or even a pet person.  so i am not sure how i became the sole guardian of tola for the next 10 days.  tola is a pit bull.  despite my limited knowledge of dogs, i do know that pit bull is latin for "savage man-eating beast"  so when i met jason and he told me that tola was a pit bull, i was scared of a repeat of the day i got rabies.  "don't worry," he said.  "tola is a gentle dog, don't let his size or breed scare you.  tola's never bitten anyone"  well, it was quite the honor to be chosen as The First Person Ever Bitten By Tola.  i walked in, he ran up to me and tried to eat my knee.  i jumped away and shouted, "OH MY GOSH!! CAN I USE YOUR BATHROOM!?!"  i'm pretty sure that jason thought i wet myself, but i had just drunk a lot of root beer at dinner.  since then i've always been a little nervous around tola and i was more surprised than jason was when he asked me to dog-sit tola for the week and i said yes.  i tell you what, the things i'll do for money.  i don't even want to know what's next for me, if this joblessness continues.  (probably hooking.)

so yesterday, i went to visit tola so he could get used to me again and not go into attack mode after jason left.  we all went on a jolly walk and i saw a white dog (breed: mutt, according to jason.  according to me: gross, drooling dog) get hit by a car!  thanks to hundreds of hours of law and order, i immediately memorized the license plate so i could report the hit and run to the police.  i told jason this and he pointed out that it wasn't really a hit and run because the car had stopped and the driver was checking to see if the dog was ok, which was the right thing to do even though i was a tiny bit disappointed.

white dog was fine because the next thing we knew, he and tola were engaged in some sort of slobbery wrestling match.  white dog had a 6-inch strand of booger drool hanging from each side of his mouth.  during the match, one strand somehow made it tola's face and was stretched between his eyes.  tola didn't like that sensation, so what did he do?  he shook that slime right off his face and onto my bare leg.  i nearly cried, but tried to play it cool.  play it cool in this situation meant secretly searching for a twig or pebble to scrape the snot off, while keeping my gag reflex under control.  no suitable twig or pebble was found so i had to let it dry, at which point, it flaked right off.  easy peasy.

tola warmed up to me very quickly this time.  so much so, that when i used the bathroom, even though i asked him nicely for some privacy, tola firmly refused and accompanied me to the bathroom.  today is my first day of feeding tola all by myself.  hopefully, all will go well, once i get over the stench of his food and become accustomed to my new layer of fur.  but, if you hear of a story on the news of unidentifiable human remains being devoured by the world's gentlest pit bull, it'll be your turn to be a good citizen and let the appropriate authorities know it's me.

tola plotting his attack.
don't let his timid look fool you.
he is already mentally feasting on me.

a pictorial list of crime shows or "unemployment leads to couch potatoitis."

yeah, i really need a job. but until that happens, this is what i'm going to do.

my favorite crime shows (in order of preference):

the crime show that i hate more than anything in the world because the two young guys are dopes and are always flicking each other and the israeli girl is such a smug know-it-all and yeah right, they'd let that gothic girl dress that way at work:




rationale (because i've got the time):

i love everything about criminal minds except agent derek morgan's eyebrows.
i love everything about svu, but it is less exciting than criminal minds.
i have a major crush on jack malone. he is so smart.
cold case makes me cry happy tears and they always provide closure for the victim's ghost who randomly appears throughout the show.
the other law and order shows are just back-ups if my favorites aren't on.
the csi shows have some ridiculous puns and i hate that horatio caine is ALWAYS looking sideways over his sunglasses. sometimes he'll put his sunglasses on JUST so he can look sideways over them. ugh.

ok, now i'll go be productive.

the amazing race: food bank style

the other night i helped the food bank deliver food boxes to needy people downtown. my partners were don and klayne who were really serious about team huddles and cheers and racing the other teams. at first i thought they might be cool until don said "fantastic" for the 785th time. also, one of them had b.o. i think. maybe it was my car. but i'm pretty sure it was one of them. AND they kept talking about how much they liked each other. they were nice guys.

but anyway, we had 6 people to visit. dolores had a million ailments and even more contraptions to help her deal with her ailments. she will never be healthy and will never leave her wheelchair, but she is one happy lady and cracked herself up several times in the ten minutes we were there...we chuckled politely. yolanda was a katrina refugee who'd fallen in love with the city and decided to stay. peter was a blind, nearly deaf man. he lived in darkness (literally, it was pitch black in his apartment) and we spent 20 minutes there helping him put his food away and watching him organize it by touch and sound (he shook the cans to know what was in them). he carried a card warning people of his inappropriate tendencies.

they all lived in small, very dirty apartments, most had some sort of physical or mental disability, and more than one had obviously at one time been a hard core drug user. and all i could think was "why am i so blessed? why do they have to face life with these burdens and i don't?" it was humbling to realize again just how good and rich and odor-free my life is. i have no right to complain. it's true what they say, that the best way to forget about your own problems is to help people with theirs.


plus it was good to see what's in those food boxes, because unless someone hires me, i'll be getting my own delivery one day. there was a ton of corn. and i hate corn.

man, i need a job.

thanks to you, there is now "hope for anna" AND we know the origin of "the bird"

it's time to choose the winner of our "hope for anna" giveaway!!

is the anticipation killing you?

and the winner is...

b and i are so excited about your prize!! (which is equal parts lame and awesome!!)

yes, those are my strawberry shortcake pjs and yes, it was 3:37 in the afternoon.

so, everyone, thanks for humoring me.  let's play again some time.

ps. courtney, send me your address so we can start what i know will be a beautiful friendship.  when can i come visit?