today i received my first paycheck for substitute teaching.

it was for $34.16

my mortgage payment is at least twice that amount.

so, i guess it's time to stop hanging up on the subfinder computer.

does "book club" make me sound old or smart?

i joined a book club.  i like reading books.  i like talking about books.  i like eating delicious food while talking about books.

but i do not like sitting with a bunch of strangers while they discuss whether their husbands prefer dress shirts with button down collars or regular collars.

just in case you needed a visual, like i did,
because i had no idea what they were talking about.

i also do not like listening to a debate over the merits of having your sick child throw up in an old ice cream bucket or a plastic wal-mart bag.

and i REALLY do not like watching someone drop a piece of chocolate custard pie on my freshly cleaned carpets.

we read the help.

i am a bit behind the times so you probably already know that it is an excellent well-written book.  poignant and eye-opening and, at times, hilarious.  we discussed the book for seven minutes and the remainder of the four and a half hours were spent dissecting thought-provoking themes such as the proper size of frosting swirl on a cupcake.

i'm thinking of kicking myself out of book club, at least until i get me some kids.  then maybe i will find winnie the pooh videos the perfect topic for stimulating conversation.

today i will tell you eight things for which i am thankful.

because 8 represents the number of pieces of thanksgiving pie i have eaten in the last 24 hours.

1. key lime pie that i made with my own hands that i thought was out of this world, but no one else seemed to appreciate as much as i thought they should.

2. living on the third floor.  because on days that i'm really lazy, i tell myself that going to get the mail and walking back up the stairs counts as a work out.

3. free internet from the neighbors, whether they like it or not.

4. atticus.  he's having his rear end serviced because someone ran into us.  i miss him so much.  i have a rental, but she is so uptight and snooty.  you know how rentals are.

5.  my new friend,  miss owl.  we had a great time fake laughing during a really stupid play.

6.  my nephew, maddox, who told his mom that i am as funny as his dog.

7. stuff you should know podcasts.  useless trivia and hilarious male hosts.  heaven.

8. mini golf.

guilt is a very effective tool.

i went on some dates recently.  mostly i was guilted into it by a couple of highly influential people who said i wasn't "giving them a chance."  now, though, i will be returning to my previous policy of "listening to my gut."

first, there was frank.  he was a doctor.  also, he was a doctor.  and did i mention that he was a doctor?  (because he wouldn't let me forget) and he came on our date in scrubs.  earlier i had jokingly asked b if it was ok to wear my pjs on a date.  he was disgusted with me.  but really, frank and i would have matched perfectly.  we met downtown (he was 30 minutes late.) and he asked me where i would like to eat (really?)  i told him i liked foreign food so he pointed out a thai place, a mexican place, and the california pizza kitchen.  i said thai sounded good.  so we went to the california pizza kitchen.  it was delicious.  and our waitress was so great.  i really wanted her to stick around and hang out with us, but she wouldn't.  so instead, frank had to use up all his creepy stares on me.  i swear he was trying to figure out the best way to dispose of my body.  it was beyond creepy.  and he didn't talk.  i was charming and friendly (had to earn my dinner, after all) and he just stared.  sometimes he would forget to answer my questions (because he was concentrating on not stabbing me with his scalpel, i'm sure)  when he did remember, they were one word answers.  he was exactly as he had seemed online and after our 45 minute dinner, i never heard from him again.

then there was michael.  we chatted for a bit and he asked me out for greek food.  i can't say no to greek food.  so i didn't.  unlike frank, michael dressed up for our date.  he wore a minnesota vikings jersey.  the conversation was actually pretty good, except for that every other word was *&%$#@.  and he talked a lot about how education was overrated (not the best thing to say to a teacher).  but overall it was fine, not great, but also not frank.  and i was charming and friendly again (except i drank way too much water and had to pee a lot.)  i never heard from him again either.

i'm pretty sure these dates were fairly typical online experiences.  it made me realize how lucky i've been up until that point.  the first guy i met online is now a good friend (after having dated and realized that we would be better friends) and the second guy, well, it turns out that there is such a thing as a "perfect match" but unfortunately, imperfect timing sometimes gets in the way.  but anyway, i have three months left on my membership and i intend to take full advantage.  after all, there's a nice middle eastern restaurant downtown that i want to try out.

I AM SO EXCITED FOR THE BREAKING DAWN PREMIERE TONIGHT!!!!

just kidding.

i am officially boring.

because today i got my carpets cleaned and i am still on an adrenaline high.  yes, high.  from CARPET CLEANING!!!

there were dark ugly patches all over the place thanks to my "renters" (b and matty).  and today two knights in shining armor (khaki and polo shirts) came with their hoses (don't be gross) and lickety split erased those dark ugly patches AND a few extras that i inherited when i bought this place.  i was so giddy that i may or may not have flirted with the cleaning guys.  and called them my heroes.  and gave them a tip that was so generous i now regret it.

but my carpets are so pretty now that i want to go do snow angels on them.  except they're still wet.  so i'm kind of stranded on the couch.  i guess i could walk across the wet carpet in my bare feet, but then i'd have no excuse not to go to the gym.  so i think i will stay on my couch until the carpets are dry.  i hope i don't starve in the meantime.

picture taken with my webcam

because i am stranded on my couch and couldn't get my camera and

getting my camera just to take a picture of my carpet sounds really lame...even for me.

dirty dash done dirt cheap. (actually it cost $50, but it was for a good cause.)

i did the dirty dash.  it's a 10k obstacle course run through mud. and it was the funnest run i've ever done.  (but that's because i don't actually enjoy running.)  it was pretty great slopping around in the mud and kicking it up on people while we waited at the start line.  and they couldn't get mad because that kind of behavior was encouraged.  at last minute, deba decided to run with me, which was nice, because then i had someone to push down in the mud holes.  there were tubes to crawl through and walls to climb over (or military crawl under) and hay stacks to hurdle, and a lake to wade through.  at the end there was a very long slide that ended on hard packed ground, which i landed on face first.  it was awesome.  

you should do it.  and let me know if you do, because i'm always looking for people to push in the mud.

employment is highly overrated.

so, i got a job.  and the money was good: i made $350 a week. but it seriously infringed on my free time and it was really tough having to get dressed every day, so i quit.  just kidding.  i quit because i hated it.  now before you think i am a slacker, you should know that it was only a temp job and they wanted me to stay on full time but there was no way i could be a teacher's aide for an entire school year.  especially because i was doing the job of a teacher and being paid as a teacher's aide.  whatever.

but anyway, i fully intend to not work again until my summer vacation is over (january) and then i will get serious about this job hunting stuff.  (if truth be told, i have applied for millions of jobs and heard practically nothing.  and there is panic looming in the back of my mind, but i shove it back by thinking about how lovely unemployment is....which it is.)

in the meantime i signed up to be a substitute teacher.  every morning the subfinder computer calls me to offer me a sub job for the day and every morning i hang up on the subfinder computer.  so, you know, that's going pretty well.