2011: good riddance

i, as i'm sure you do too, get a lot of family christmas letters.  most of them are fun to receive because my friends summarize the notable events of their year, good and bad, and i like to see what they are up to.  however, some of the letters i get come from mrs. perfect mcwonderful and her husband, zeus, and their family of poop-free angels.  these letters are also fun to get because it's nice to see that some people wake up to rainbows every morning and their house is made of calorie-free chocolate and their children never throw their expensive phone into the toilet.  you know, so i know what i am aspiring to. 

i don't send out christmas cards (because i'm cheap and don't have adorable children to take pictures of and really, who wants a christmas card with a picture of just me?  talk about creepy.)  but to my four faithful readers, i am giving you my first ever family christmas letter with love from me, complete with a run-down of my year.

january:  rained a lot.  did some kissing.  learned about the mandelbrot set.

february: went to morocco, threw up.  got a mushy valentine.

march: went to paris.  bought a new bag.  4th graders dramatized the events surrounding the american revolution.

april: ran a half marathon.  hosted a women's day party.  rode in a go-cart.

may: mentally checked out of school.  became first teetotaler to play in and win a beer pong tournament.

june: took deba and dad on 2 rainy death marches.  starred in a music video. (pending)  won a bocce tournament.

july: slept on the streets of milan. got a roommate.

august: spent 3 eternal days in tuscany with 16 obnoxious adolescents, wanted to kill self afterwards.  moved back to usa.

september: got a temp job. b moved in. learned how to play bunco.

october: quit job.  kicked b out.  ate pizza, french fries, and ice cream in one meal.

november: painted a dresser.  found out ricky martin is gay.

december: put up christmas tree. bought some pants. 

bring on 2012!

(insert family photo with charming smiles and perfectly coordinated outfits.)

merry christmas.

i love jesus.

so, so much.

i was on the news!!!

and it wasn't for being arrested, thank you very much.

it was because i donated blood.  i tried to find the video to show you, but all i could find was this article.

that's right.  they quoted me.  well, actually they misquoted me because when the reporter asked me why i came out to donate i told her it's because i was hoping to see damon yauney.

just kidding.  i was so nauseous and light-headed and loopy with that giant needle in my arm, that maybe i did actually say the words they said i did, though i am very suspicious of my alleged use of the word "monetarily".  either way, i got an enormous t-shirt that, coupled with a napoleon dynamite keychain, made a great white elephant gift.  i also got all the pretzel sticks i could eat.  and i helped someone, but not monetarily.

cake came to visit me.

matty and i went to see cake at saltair.



the security guys took matty's chapstick, which was good sleuthing on their part because i'm pretty sure that's where matty hides his bombs.  and his shiv.

i was so excited i couldn't stop jumping up and down.

i educated the uninitiated about cake's practice of giving away a tree at every concert.

i also offended a group of dorks in suits when i informed them that a cake show was always better than a barenaked ladies show.

then we came home and got mexican fast food at 1 am.

it was awesome.

possibly my most shallow post ever.

the friends aren't the only ones with this list.  here's mine:

mark ruffalo.

the most perfect face i've ever seen.  

and he is always such an "aw shucks" 

kind of nice guy in his movies.  

i like nice guys.

gary sinise.

"you ain't got no legs, lieutenant dan!"  

but i loved him first in of mice and men.  

he took such good care of lennie.

john travolta.

the first time i ever saw grease was the first time
he entered my field of consciousness.
ours is a love that has endured the test of time.

because i love him just as much today
as i did twenty years ago.

anthony lapaglia.

he was a great sidekick for charlie in
so i married an axe murderer, 

but like cheese and wine,
he only gets better with age.

lenny kravitz.

i am a sucker for that hair.

    

bradley cooper.

look at those eyes.

orlando bloom.

i am sure his legolas was just as pretty 

as j.r.r tolkien always intended.

owen wilson.

because nothing is more attractive than funny.

alan rickman.

if his voice took a physical form, 

i think it would be warm, gooey caramel.

which is why he makes a great severus snape.  

greasy goth never sounded so good.

john krasinski.

jim halpert is the perfect guy.

john krasinski is pretty darn nice, too.

and i know this from personal experience.

robin hood.

robbing the rich to help the poor? 

he's so brave. 

what a fox.

joe mantegna.

i first knew him as fat tony from the simpsons.  

what a pleasant surprise to see that the 

face was as nice as the voice.

                                                                                                         

                                                                                     

     shemar moore.

                                                                                       

     brown, bald, and beautiful.

mandy patinkin.

his name is inigo montoya.  you killed his father.  prepare to die.  

but, just like wine, cheese, and anthony lapaglia,

 time has been good to mandy patinkin.

ok, now it's your turn.  who's on your list?

one day i checked my blogger stats just for fun.

and it said that a google search for the following phrase led someone to my blog:

gothic chick porn

i assure you, those three words have never appeared together on my blog.

i'll bet that was one disappointed pervert.

i think i'm on team edward now.**

the other day i went to the movie with my friends, miss owl and kirsten.  we wanted to see the help, but it was sold out.  so we debated over abduction ("it's about someone who is abducted and they try to get them back," is what i told miss owl when she asked what it was about.) and contagion ("it's about a disease that a lot of people catch in a short amount of time.")

i wanted to see contagion because abduction has team jacob in it and i wanted no part of that, but i was outvoted.  we approached the counter guy and i asked for three tickets to team jacob.  (of course, he knew exactly what i meant.)  and i was embarrassed that i have such a big mouth and all the people in line heard me and probably thought i was ON team jacob.  yuck.  counter guy knew i was solid though, he could tell by my pink floyd t-shirt (he told me so.)

miss owl and i giggled all through the previews.  (the debt:  "it's about someone who owes something to someone else."  in time: "it's about some people that are rushing around to accomplish an important task within an allotted amount of time."  drive:  "it's about a man that drives a car very fast." the thing:  we pretty much just rolled around laughing at this point.)

the movie itself was stupid.  i mean, the premise was ok, i guess.  but some things were pretty dumb.  like team jacob's psychiatrist talking about his terrible insomnia and then two sentences later, team jacob tells her that he had "the dream" again.  i also didn't like watching giant teenagers kiss onscreen.  adults kissing onscreen makes me uncomfortable enough (i look away a lot because i don't want to look like a pervert staring at them, but i also take mental notes hoping to improve my technique.) i didn't like the movie because it turns out that team jacob is not a good actor.  unless you count glaring all the time as good acting.  also, we were in the front row and i could count every hair follicle on his werewolf face, which grossed me out.

but the point is this:  i am usually quite fond of males with brown skin (because i am so pasty myself), but i did not find team jacob attractive!  i couldn't believe it.  it's a first for me.  actually, i'm realizing now maybe i didn't find him attractive because i don't usually go for guys who are younger than my drivers license.  but isn't this the same guy that grown women screamed over when his shirt fell off in the vampire movies?  i don't get it.  i'll stick with brown guys, but give me shemar moore any day.

**i will never be on team edward, even if he was the last glittering vampire in the whole world.  i am a lifelong member of team good literature.

i have found my dream job:

factory worker.

i am not even kidding about this.  when i was going through my "what do i want to do with my life?" crisis earlier this year, i told people who asked about my future plans that i wanted to be one of the toll booth operators on the way to milan.  all i had to do was sit in my booth and be able to count out one euro ninety.  i wouldn't have to be friendly, i wouldn't have to plan lessons, i could sit on my chair and listen to my podcasts and if i was feeling charitable, i could give a friendly "buongiorno!" to the commuters.  it seemed great!

but THEN, i helped out at the welfare bakery a few weeks ago and it totally beat out the toll booth.  i wore a hairnet, gloves and an apron.  one team member (i felt we worked more efficiently when i called them team members)  slid loaves of bread down a chute and using a foot pedal, i would send it through the slicer.  i would catch it and shove it into an open bag.  the next team member would twist it and send it through the twist tie machine and load it on the conveyor belt.  yes!  a conveyor belt!  it's a real factory!  it was so great!  because it was completely mindless we were able to chat pleasantly about nothing the whole time.  although there was a bit of drama when two team members argued over the best way to sweep up the rogue bread crumbs.  yes, arguing over sweeping.  i just kept sweeping because i was having the time of my life.

and do you know what the best part is?  at the end of our shift, they gave us a free bag of bread.  whole wheat!    and then, the next week, at the dairy, i got a bottle of chocolate milk and a pound of cheese!  who needs a job!?!?!  i help out for a few hours a week and get cheese and bread!  and i don't even really like chocolate milk, but i mopped for 2 hours to earn that chocolate milk and it was the best thing i've ever had.  i might never work again and live off my cheese and bread prizes.  now, THAT'S the life.