*my washer stinks again. bleach and vinegar weren't powerful enough. i think it's time for an exorcism.
*i am 7 days into the new me. and no, it's not an ab roller, ANNA. my calves hurt real bad though.
*i met a really cute guy on new year's eve. between that and my new orange-striped sweater, i thought 2014 was off to a great start. he is unemployed and planning to make it big with his band. but really, it was his attempt to have a saturday night booty call that sealed the deal: man of my dreams. obviously.
*i bowled a 106 on saturday. i expect the endorsement deals to start rolling in any day now.
*i needed one red bell pepper. but i bought a bag of SIX at costco. when will i learn that not everything needs to be bought in bulk? IT'S NOT A BARGAIN IF YOU WASTE FIVE, SWEETPAGENE!!!! if you need a red bell pepper, i'm your girl.
*last monday, i was so eager to get home and work on my puzzle that i turned down an invitation from fun people who wanted to do fun things. then i felt real sad about being such a big nerd. but then i drowned my sorrows in a nice 1000 piece puzzle and everything was fine.
Monday, January 27, 2014
Friday, January 17, 2014
what died in there?!?!
i got my washer repaired on christmas eve. it was really expensive and my imaginary children didn't get christmas presents because of it, but clean clothes are important to me and hand-washing is not an option. (i hand-washed everything i wore for a year and a half when i was in russia and it didn't faze me, but i had to hand-wash 2 pair of underwear when my washer broke and i almost couldn't deal with the hardship.) right after the machine was fixed, the laundry room started to stink REAL BAD! i figured my wet clothes that had sat in buckets for a few days had started to mold (yes, i was willing to mold all my clothes, rather than hand-wash them and finish what my washer had refused to finish.). i washed all my clothes and they smelled lovely but man, it was stinky! so naturally i blamed matty, because, duh, brothers smell. he cleaned the bathroom and the smell just got worse and i was afraid to have people over for taco night in case they asked to use my bathroom and then wondered why i was allowing a giant rat to decompose in my washer.
then my bestie, shelley, who is very domestic even though she doesn't have kids, informed me that i needed to clean my washer. "THAT'S NOT A THING!!" i said to shelley. "a washer washes! it's naturally clean!" but even i know that makes me sound dumb, so i trusted her and loaded up on vinegar and bleach and spent an entire evening CLEANING my WASHER.
you guys, shelley (and apparently everyone on the internet) is a genius. (i mean, you should see the fancy dinners she makes.) now my laundry room smells delightfully of bleach and vinegar, which i'm assuming is its natural state. it's so great because now i stroll in and out of the laundry room calmly, instead of gasping for air and stumbling to get out before the smell overtakes me and renders me comatose.
come on over and have a smell. you'll like it. and i'll make you a taco.
then my bestie, shelley, who is very domestic even though she doesn't have kids, informed me that i needed to clean my washer. "THAT'S NOT A THING!!" i said to shelley. "a washer washes! it's naturally clean!" but even i know that makes me sound dumb, so i trusted her and loaded up on vinegar and bleach and spent an entire evening CLEANING my WASHER.
you guys, shelley (and apparently everyone on the internet) is a genius. (i mean, you should see the fancy dinners she makes.) now my laundry room smells delightfully of bleach and vinegar, which i'm assuming is its natural state. it's so great because now i stroll in and out of the laundry room calmly, instead of gasping for air and stumbling to get out before the smell overtakes me and renders me comatose.
come on over and have a smell. you'll like it. and i'll make you a taco.
Monday, January 13, 2014
sleep-deprived shopping.
friday night, after a very satisfying and much anticipated law & order marathon, i was in need of something to do and sleep was still hours away. it was, after all, only 1 am. so i did what any bored, insomniac would do: i cleaned my oven. and that heavy duty fantastik did such an amazing job that i got really excited and used it to clean my toaster, too. and then i thought i might as well scrub the microwave while i'm at it and clean out and organize all the cupboards and let me tell you, by 5 am that kitchen looked like a tornado had hit and i was pretty sure i had budding respiratory problems from inhaling all that fantastik. also, i felt a lot like that mouse that you gave a cookie to. but by now it was bedtime so i went to bed after a good night's work. i wake up naturally, no matter how little i've slept, by 7 am, so at 7 i was up and at 'em to finish the tornado.
and then i proceeded to have a very productive and fulfilling day on 2 hours of sleep. so, at the end of the day, i was very happy to put on my freshly-laundered, suprisingly-still-soft and fluffy candy cane pjs and go to bed at an embarrassingly early hour on a saturday night (loser). but it didn't matter how tired i was, because i found myself awake, at 3 am, excitedly watching an infomercial, credit card in hand, ready to spend $150 on something i DIDN'T NEED and DIDN'T WANT but knew that i COULDN'T POSSIBLY LIVE WITHOUT FOR ONE MORE SECOND. so i did it. i'm too ashamed to tell you what i bought, but i will tell you that, according to the infomercial, in 50 days you won't even recognize me. i will be a better, slightly poorer version of myself. i can't wait to show you.
seriously, i gotta figure out how to get a handle on these "sleep disturbances"...my budget can't take much more.
also, i can't wait for tonight's magic bullet infomercials.
and then i proceeded to have a very productive and fulfilling day on 2 hours of sleep. so, at the end of the day, i was very happy to put on my freshly-laundered, suprisingly-still-soft and fluffy candy cane pjs and go to bed at an embarrassingly early hour on a saturday night (loser). but it didn't matter how tired i was, because i found myself awake, at 3 am, excitedly watching an infomercial, credit card in hand, ready to spend $150 on something i DIDN'T NEED and DIDN'T WANT but knew that i COULDN'T POSSIBLY LIVE WITHOUT FOR ONE MORE SECOND. so i did it. i'm too ashamed to tell you what i bought, but i will tell you that, according to the infomercial, in 50 days you won't even recognize me. i will be a better, slightly poorer version of myself. i can't wait to show you.
seriously, i gotta figure out how to get a handle on these "sleep disturbances"...my budget can't take much more.
also, i can't wait for tonight's magic bullet infomercials.
ps. the guy on the phone kept trying to slyly tack on extra "deals" to my order until the bill was over $300. he didn't realize that i am at my sharpest at 3 am. my sparkling oven is proof of that.
Friday, January 3, 2014
soft, fluffy pjs: defiled
my mom likes to give us christmas pjs even though my brothers and i are all in our 20s and 30s and half of us wear nothing to bed. (note: i am not in that half). this year my pjs were soft, fluffy red pants with white polka dots and a soft, fluffy white top. these are my candy cane pjs and i love them so, so much.
you know how when you wash soft, fluffy things they become not so soft and fluffy? i really hate that. so i vowed to never wash my candy cane pjs. NEVER. these pjs would stay soft and fluffy until the day they died. and that's the nice thing about living alone is that there is no one around to complain about the smell.
then, a mere 5 days after the receipt of my candy cane pjs, b asked me to pick up him and elyse from the airport. the flight got in at 9:00 pm, so after a very productive workout at gold's, i rushed home, took a shower and put on my candy cane pjs. this way i would be ready to lie on the couch and watch friends the SECOND i got home from the airport. as soon as i was bundled up in my coat, scarf, boots, and gloves i realized i had to use the bathroom. that always happens. and i am far too lazy to unbundle, then REbundle so i thought "oh well, the airport is less than ten minutes away. i'll be fine until i get home."
b's flight was delayed for 30 minutes and i drink A LOT OF WATER when i work out so by the time b arrived, my bladder was near bursting and i considered stuffing napkins in my soft, fluffy pants just in case and i wished i was a boy so i could just point out the door and relieve myself. then i had to take b and elyse to b's truck at work so he could drive himself home. by the time we got to the truck i knew that i wouldn't make it back to my house. i was ready to just squat in the middle of the parking lot. but then b, who pees anywhere, even if there's a bathroom ten feet away, taught me a trick. you sit on the bumper of the truck with your pants slightly down and pee off the bumper. to passersby, it looks like you're sitting on the bumper doing nothing disgusting because they probably won't even see the stream.
so i did it. i usually have more class than that (at least in this kind of scenario) but this was an emergency situation. it was so cold outside that steam rose up. it flowed and flowed and i was so pleased at how everything was working out...you know, that feeling of euphoria you get when you've held it for so long and you FINALLY found a toilet and as you're sitting there you think that no matter what, nothing will ever bother you again because of this wonderful moment of sweet relief.
and then, i noticed that with no warning or provocation, the stream got a mind of its own and went in a different direction! dangerously near my candy cane pjs! and i can't exactly stop what i've started so i tried to redirect, but that is impossible without a pointer! it was all to no avail: my soft, fluffy pjs were now wet, cold pjs. they were so wet i had to sit on napkins on the way home because i didn't want to soil atticus. and i was so very sad because i only had soft, fluffy pjs for 5 days and i didn't even have to wash them to make them not so soft and fluffy, instead, i defiled them with my own waste. no one to blame but myself...and southwest airlines.
you know how when you wash soft, fluffy things they become not so soft and fluffy? i really hate that. so i vowed to never wash my candy cane pjs. NEVER. these pjs would stay soft and fluffy until the day they died. and that's the nice thing about living alone is that there is no one around to complain about the smell.
then, a mere 5 days after the receipt of my candy cane pjs, b asked me to pick up him and elyse from the airport. the flight got in at 9:00 pm, so after a very productive workout at gold's, i rushed home, took a shower and put on my candy cane pjs. this way i would be ready to lie on the couch and watch friends the SECOND i got home from the airport. as soon as i was bundled up in my coat, scarf, boots, and gloves i realized i had to use the bathroom. that always happens. and i am far too lazy to unbundle, then REbundle so i thought "oh well, the airport is less than ten minutes away. i'll be fine until i get home."
b's flight was delayed for 30 minutes and i drink A LOT OF WATER when i work out so by the time b arrived, my bladder was near bursting and i considered stuffing napkins in my soft, fluffy pants just in case and i wished i was a boy so i could just point out the door and relieve myself. then i had to take b and elyse to b's truck at work so he could drive himself home. by the time we got to the truck i knew that i wouldn't make it back to my house. i was ready to just squat in the middle of the parking lot. but then b, who pees anywhere, even if there's a bathroom ten feet away, taught me a trick. you sit on the bumper of the truck with your pants slightly down and pee off the bumper. to passersby, it looks like you're sitting on the bumper doing nothing disgusting because they probably won't even see the stream.
so i did it. i usually have more class than that (at least in this kind of scenario) but this was an emergency situation. it was so cold outside that steam rose up. it flowed and flowed and i was so pleased at how everything was working out...you know, that feeling of euphoria you get when you've held it for so long and you FINALLY found a toilet and as you're sitting there you think that no matter what, nothing will ever bother you again because of this wonderful moment of sweet relief.
and then, i noticed that with no warning or provocation, the stream got a mind of its own and went in a different direction! dangerously near my candy cane pjs! and i can't exactly stop what i've started so i tried to redirect, but that is impossible without a pointer! it was all to no avail: my soft, fluffy pjs were now wet, cold pjs. they were so wet i had to sit on napkins on the way home because i didn't want to soil atticus. and i was so very sad because i only had soft, fluffy pjs for 5 days and i didn't even have to wash them to make them not so soft and fluffy, instead, i defiled them with my own waste. no one to blame but myself...and southwest airlines.
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