soft, fluffy pjs: defiled

my mom likes to give us christmas pjs even though my brothers and i are all in our 20s and 30s and half of us wear nothing to bed. (note: i am not in that half).  this year my pjs were soft, fluffy red pants with white polka dots and a soft, fluffy white top.  these are my candy cane pjs and i love them so, so much.



you know how when you wash soft, fluffy things they become not so soft and fluffy?  i really hate that. so i vowed to never wash my candy cane pjs. NEVER.  these pjs would stay soft and fluffy until the day they died.  and that's the nice thing about living alone is that there is no one around to complain about the smell.

then, a mere 5 days after the receipt of my candy cane pjs, b asked me to pick up him and elyse from the airport.  the flight got in at 9:00 pm, so after a very productive workout at gold's, i rushed home, took a shower and put on my candy cane pjs.  this way i would be ready to lie on the couch and watch friends the SECOND i got home from the airport. as soon as i was bundled up in my coat, scarf, boots, and gloves i realized i had to use the bathroom.  that always happens.  and i am far too lazy to unbundle, then REbundle so i thought "oh well, the airport is less than ten minutes away.  i'll be fine until i get home."

b's flight was delayed for 30 minutes and i drink A LOT OF WATER when i work out so by the time b arrived, my bladder was near bursting and i considered stuffing napkins in my soft, fluffy pants just in case and i wished i was a boy so i could just point out the door and relieve myself.  then i had to take b and elyse to b's truck at work so he could drive himself home.  by the time we got to the truck i knew that i wouldn't make it back to my house.  i was ready to just squat in the middle of the parking lot.  but then b, who pees anywhere, even if there's a bathroom ten feet away, taught me a trick.  you sit on the bumper of the truck with your pants slightly down and pee off the bumper.  to passersby, it looks like you're sitting on the bumper doing nothing disgusting because they probably won't even see the stream.

so i did it.  i usually have more class than that (at least in this kind of scenario) but this was an emergency situation.  it was so cold outside that steam rose up.  it flowed and flowed and i was so pleased at how everything was working out...you know, that feeling of euphoria you get when you've held it for so long and you FINALLY found a toilet and as you're sitting there you think that no matter what, nothing will ever bother you again because of this wonderful moment of sweet relief.

and then, i noticed that with no warning or provocation, the stream got a mind of its own and went in a different direction!  dangerously near my candy cane pjs!  and i can't exactly stop what i've started so i tried to redirect, but that is impossible without a pointer!  it was all to no avail: my soft, fluffy pjs were now wet, cold pjs.  they were so wet i had to sit on napkins on the way home because i didn't want to soil atticus.  and i was so very sad because i only had soft, fluffy pjs for 5 days and i didn't even have to wash them to make them not so soft and fluffy, instead, i defiled them with my own waste.  no one to blame but myself...and southwest airlines.